What makes a surprise worth celebrating?

A few months ago, I tried to make a joke that funerals are just a special category of surprise parties—but let’s be honest, I’m a coach, communicator, and yogi, not a comedian. So, I passed the idea to a comedian friend, hoping they might workshop it. Still, it got me thinking: what makes a surprise worth celebrating or commiserating? Expectations play a big role. 

Most of my coaching clients are in a state of transition, either wanting to make a change or wanting to experience change differently from their default. Typically, my corporate workshops are also centered around change, and it’s certainly a central element of my yoga practice to experience change mindfully. Sometimes the client chooses to pursue the change, and sometimes, they’re feeling like the victim, needing to overcome life’s circumstances.

It’s the common pattern that I see across most people: if the change is something we desire or choose, it feels like a win. And if a transition is something that feels expected or forced, it can feel like something we need to fight. Life, though, essentially demands that we change. 

I like the way that Harvard’s “Mother of Positive Psychology,” Ellen Langer explained change in a recent podcast: “Certainty makes you mindless. Uncertainty is the rule, not the exception. Everything is changing. Everything looks different from different perspectives. And we're holding it still."

Life demands that we accept change and leave the comfort zone. If we don’t choose it, change will often choose us.

When leaving the comfort zone, choice holds a tremendous amount of weight in influencing our sense of control. How much do you feel you are choosing to create change? When change is inevitable, how much feels forced? Your narrative will play a critical role in influencing how you experience the change. If you feel like the victim, the one not in control, you’re less likely to gain control and get what you want. And to overcome the change, we need - repeatedly - to step into learning and growth.

Langer continued: "We're confusing the stability of our mindsets with the stability of the underlying phenomena. So we hold things still to have control but that very holding still robs us of control.” Resisting change leads us to experience stress.

Change is necessary and requires curiously making decisions about where to go. By taking a proactive role in defining the change you’re willing to create, you’re also creating the circumstances for such changes to transpire, developing the strength and skillset to initiate or respond to future change, and reducing the likelihood of being surprised by … life. 

There are alternatives to waiting to be surprised by change. Like planning a travel itinerary, we can envision the destinations we want to see and mentally and physically prepare to be immersed in new environments by learning about the destination and packing the right clothes or gear. And when some part of the trip doesn’t go according to plan, the plan itself - the choices to leave our comfort zone - help us recalibrate and orient ourselves to respond to the changes resiliently, rather than stunned.

Don’t wait for life to throw you unexpected surprises. To take a theme from Finding Nemo, if you want freedom, which way do you want to swim? Forward? Backward? Down? Together? 

I’m here when you’re ready!

And What Else:

I’ve just placed an order for the prototypes of my card deck, a set of questions to support personal exploration and discovery. It’s been in the works for more than a year. Each deck has more than 200 questions across six themes. If you’re curious to experience the deck and give me feedback as a tester or if you think this might be a good gift for someone in your life, feel free to reach out. 

Following the same categories, in a revised format, here’s my gift to you, a set of questions to explore your current relationship to change:

• Honor Yourself: “What transition(s) can you acknowledge you’ve completed?”

• Explore Curiously: “What transition(s) are you choosing right now? Which feel forced?”

• Foster Trust: “If you had a magic wand, how would you like to prepare for your next step?”

• Shift Perspectives: “What would give you maximum interest and desire to initiate change?”

• Clarify Decisions: “What changes or loose ends feel incomplete? Make a decision: love it, leave it, or change it.”

• Empower Action: “What are you waiting for to take the first step?”

Nuggets of Work-Life

Every coaching session and workshop closes with acknowledging learnings, insights, and moments of celebration. Here are a few of my recent nuggets:

• Over the years, I’ve collected feedback from clients to help understand what resonates and what doesn’t. After some iterations, I managed a bit of a website overhaul with all the client testimonials published together.

• Last month also meant closing coaching journeys with three clients. It’s bittersweet, but mostly sweet to see and celebrate their growth. Closing the process always invites reflection… particularly, it has me sitting with deep curiosity. I notice myself wondering, “how else can I be of service to those around me?” 

• To give back to the field I spent 12 years working in, I’ve just joined Mentors CX. It’s a newly-developed mentorship platform where customer experience professionals can book calls with industry professionals to advance their career or grow their business with strategic guidance, leadership insights, and hands-on advice.

Practice Makes … Space for More Practice

• A pastime: I listen to a lot of podcasts, particularly when I’m cooking or doing household chores. I can highly recommend the podcast referenced above, The Mindful Body: Harvard’s Dr. Ellen Langer On The Power Of Mindfulness on the Rich Roll Podcast (Apple, Spotify). 

• A recipe: years ago, a favorite yogi writer Rebecca Pacheco shared a recipe for a simple oven (or microwave) cake, which I like to make on an occasional chilly afternoon. Mix ½ a banana, ½ cup of oats, ½ cup of oat milk, ½ tsp baking powder, and a pinch of cinnamon in a blender. Pour into an oven-safe mug or bowl. Add your choice of honey, maple syrup, peanut butter, and/or chocolate chips. Mix. Bake or microwave until it’s cooked all the way through.

• A movement: I’m challenging myself (again!) to 30 days of consecutive swimming. I’m noticing the simplicity of a yogi squat (malasana) to stretch a bit after my swims. Stand with your feet hip-width apart and toes pointed outward. Bend your knees to lower your hips to your heels. Lift the spine tall and push the outside of the elbows against the inside of the knees. Breathe here.

Ways to Engage and Support

If you or someone you know might like to test the forthcoming And What Else card deck, please send me an email. Share the offer with anyone you know who values reflective prompts.

Additionally, I have capacity to start coaching a few more clients and updated my booking system for anyone to book a free discovery call. Feel free to reach out or pass along the opportunity.

In joy,
Stephen