Wantingness vs. Willingness

What do you really want?How willing are you to make it happen?Are you willing to shift?

These are some of the questions we explore in coaching. My clients tell me about the changes they want to make in life. We all want to have more X or less Y. Money. Time. Priorities. Weight. Strength. Power. Certainty. Safety. Clarity.

But are you willing to have more of these?

Willingness implies the effort undertaken to acquire what you want, as well as to forego the necessary sacrifices, costs, and risks associated with getting it.

As one client reflected, we need to have an open mind to explore whether we’re willing to shift: “I believe anyone unsure of their next steps or unsure of what they want, or unsure on how to get to what they want would benefit a lot from your coaching. A certain openness of mind is also needed to allow the application of the material.”

Far fewer people are willing to make changes in life.

You might want to have a healthy relationship.Are you willing to have a healthy relationship?

You might want to become an Executive VP.Are you willing to become an Executive VP?

You might want to lose weight or gain muscle.Are you willing to lose weight or gain muscle?

You might want to reduce your working hours and increase your pay.Are you willing to reduce your working hours and increase your pay?

You might want to learn to play piano or another skill.Are you willing to …?

Wanting reflects desires or aspirations, while willing involves taking concrete actions and making commitments to pursue those desires.

Consider your own challenges: what changes do you want to initiate or create?

Sometimes we also get stuck in “wanting to be willing”. You might call this the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome, the belief that if you initiate these changes, that there will be no further need to change, that life will finally be as you wanted it.

When we explore willingness, we explore not just what we desire, but also what is sustaining the current reality. There are, in fact, benefits to staying stuck, payoffs that we gain by not being willing to shift, and to simply “wanting”. For example, by staying in an unhealthy relationship, we can blame someone else for our lack of happiness, and this is much easier and comfortable than taking responsibility. Or, we keep the old way of working long hours, which means we don’t have to re-invent processes and we don’t have to figure out how to be bored, have just-for-fun hobbies, and how to get out of the cycle of workaholism; it’s easier to keep working than to change the pattern.

What benefits do you maintain by not initiating the changes that you say you want?

When we explore willingness to change, we look at ideas such as willingness:

• to stop gossiping

• to take full responsibility

• to feel all our feelings

• to clean up broken agreements

• to share all withheld thoughts

• to let go of right/wrong and get curious

• to source security, control, and approval from withinSource: The Conscious Leadership Group

Take a look at your challenges and changes: how would you answer the willingness questions above?

Willingness is hard work and invites uncertainty and growth. Wanting tends to create more wanting, and willingness understands where we are now, which is necessary to figure out whether we’re really going to make change happen. We have to proceed knowing the answer might be a “no,” which is valuable form of clarity.

If you’re willing to practice this inquiry, a no-commitment coaching discovery session is an opportunity to start.

Another way of practicing willingness would be to inquire through journaling, noting what you think you want, what you stand to gain by not changing, and what might be reasons you’re not willing to actually make the changes.

In exploring willingness, we embrace the depths of our desires, our hesitations, and our potential. In the willingness to confront both our reality and our aspirations lies the pathway to clarity and “enough.”

Are you ready to define not just what you want but what you’re willing to change?